Happy Spring! I just returned from presenting and attending at two conference for ADD Coaches in Atlanta. It was a wonderful experience learning and sharing with others in the field. Many of my fellow coaches talked to me about how ADHD impacts marriages and families. As both an ADHD Coach and a Marriage and Family Therapist I am able to both coach and counsel couples to find solutions for the challenges that ADHD brings to relationships. I shared this post a few months ago over at ADHD Management but after this weekend’s conversations wanted to share it here as well. It’s important to remember that ADHD plays a role not only in your individual life but also your relationships.
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Remember that you married your partner because they were fun, spontaneous, creative, and charming? Now that the memories of the wedding festivities are dim and you are living every day with this person, some of those attractive “character traits” are starting to be annoying and irritating.
You would like to plan the summer vacation now, they would rather put it off until later. You would like to talk about budgeting and get the checkbook straightened out—because there have been four overdraft charges this month—but they say, “I’ll do better next month.” You would like to have the kitchen counter cleaned off so you can prepare a nice meal tonight; they say, “I’ll clean it up later.” You would like to be on time for a night out with friends; they say, “Nobody will mind if we are a little bit late.”
Does this strike a chord? Well, that is the bad news, and here is the good news: It can get better with both partners learning to communicate positively, working with the strengths of ADHD, having a sense of humor, and perhaps hiring a therapist or ADHD coach to give you some pointers.One thing I know after counseling hundreds of couples for almost twenty years is that there is hope. Both parties can learn to understand each other and the role ADHD plays in the marriage so that married life can go more smoothly.ach to give you some pointers.Here are 8 strategies that can help:
- “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Which is more important, the marriage relationship, or that everything is neat and tidy at your place?
- Reduce some tension by allowing the creative ADHD person some space in which it is okay to keep things their way.
- Go over the household chores and talk about each others likes and strengths, then choose the best person to be in charge of each chore.
- Use smart phones and other technology to sync your calendars and have lots of alerts to remind the ADHD person of upcoming appointments.
- Give lots of encouragement and compliments when you see effort to overcome the challenges of ADHD. Don’t be a nagging partner.
- Keep the lines of communication open. Listen and try to understand the other person’s perspective and way of looking at life.
- Put effort and energy into continuing to date and spend quality time together, like you did before you were married. Plan weekly dates, enroll in a class together, and laugh and enjoy each other. As Stephen Covey says, “Put deposits in the emotional bank account” so there is something to draw out when life or ADHD shows up. (And there is a guarantee that it will!)
- Above all, learn all you can about ADHD and celebrate the wonderful things your partner brings to the marriage. Remember the reason you committed to marriage in the first place. It is worth the effort.
ADHD brains work differently than non-ADHD brains. Make 2012 the year you understand, embrace and celebrate both unique brains in your marriage!
